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December 23, 2020 is as close to the inception point as I can find for when I first took the contemplative steps to leave my job.
That evening I created a spreadsheet in Google Drive that I still reference titled “lists of reasons why/not…”
It was the first time I had ever documented my considerations for leaving my job to work somewhere else.
My first entry:
- to change to different job
- better compensation for my time
- less variability in length of my day
- less/no overnights
- less/no weekends
I remember looking at this list a few times that holiday season and then putting it away for months.
Spring 2021 I added:
- no feeling frustrated before even seeing the next day’s schedule just knowing i’m 2nd call on a thursday
- no worrying about last-minute, arbitrary schedule changes
- not having to query the call teams in hopes that someone will step-up and take my room so I can get home
What started as just vague generalities, gains specificity.
Clearly I was motivated by some frustrations.
Fall of 2021 I wrote:
- not getting sick/rundown when doing nights or first call (getting unlucky)
I remember I caught a bad stretch of luck on my 1st call nights covering cardiac anesthesia call.
Even though I didn’t take it that often, 4 of 5 consecutive 1st calls ended up the same way: around 4 or 5 in the afternoon things seemed swell.
But an emergency/transplant would be added such that my team would be working straight through to morning.
Bad luck.
Spring of 2022 I remember covering the ICU (in-house) a certain weekend.
Because of staffing challenges the next week for the anesthesia half of my job, I wouldn’t be able to take any post-call days for the 7-day stretch I had just worked until later in the week.
- to not get nonsensical messages from surgeons on Sundays when they don’t even have the information that they are pretending to convey to me
- to get more messaging on Sundays about changing the cases and the order and the add-ons and all sorts of nonsense
- All at the detriment of patient care because of poor planning on the part of someone involved in the surgical team
Time passes
I share all this to show the evolution of thought that takes place slowly over time (and maybe the accelerating exasperation as well!).
Most of us are too busy with our work, family – with life – to be able to reflect on our present situation with full clarity.
But you don’t have to do it all – from conception to execution – in the same breath.
The slow accumulation of feelings, thoughts, experiences, and daily decisions lead us to some future intersection with fate.
Over time, we can refine our reasons and our feelings for thinking what we think and doing what we do.
I encourage you to slowly document your reactions and reflections to all aspects of your life.
Through the changes in language on the page, you can identify the ways in which you have subtly changed over the months and years.
Difficult decisions are difficult to make all at once.
So don’t.
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
1) Let’s talk through what choosing your own path through medicine looks like. Over the phone, confidential, free:
https://calendly.com/tonyvullo/20min
2) Free Guides and Resources to Help You Reclaim Your Time and Autonomy:
